COLUMN: Eating the Mind Away in the Throes of Anorexia
- Amy Martinez Reynolds
- 11 hours ago
- 4 min read
The life-threatening nature of anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and other eating disorders
EDITOR'S NOTE: The following personal essay contains direct, sometimes graphic language about one student's experience with anorexia and its effects on her body and mind. Read at your own discretion.
Eating disorders affect more than 9% of Americans, approximately 28.8 million people, with 22% of them being teenagers and young adults. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate, taking the lives of 10,200 people each year.
These statistics and others below are from the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. I almost became one of their tragic statistics, a girl in the throes of anorexia who almost lost her life.
A personal perspective
My experience with anorexia was scary to say the least. I remember being a girl who wore her dresses without a care in the world, excited that I was twirling away toward my dancing dreams. Suddenly, I was worried about having a flat stomach and a tiny waist. Dresses were replaced with baggy sweatpants and oversized hoodies, and my favorite sweets became something I needed to work for. In the span of a couple of months, my outlook on food shifted from a need to survive or perhaps even enjoy to a reward that needed to be earned.
My own mind became my worst enemy, and my body started turning on me.
I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa two years after my symptoms started in 2021. I was being held back in my dance training, which made my symptoms more noticeable, but only about 20% of teens get medical attention and a diagnosis. That leaves 80% of eating disorders undiagnosed, posing a terrifying ratio and a higher risk of death.
My diagnosis of anorexia didn’t come alone. Anorexia partnered with depression and anxiety, putting me at risk of losing my life. An initial fear of gaining weight came with the anxiety of overeating at every meal. The shame I would feel would lead me to an overwhelming sense of regret, and I would self-harm. My mind would turn on me, telling me I didn't deserve to eat. My mind would convince me that I needed to work harder, exercise more, to get the ideal body of a dancer before I could eat. Even thoughts of suicide threatened me.
Seeking the unattainable ideal
The ideal body of a dancer in my adolescent mind was a thin, hourglass shape. I wasn’t alone when it came to thinking this represented the ideal figure. Eighty percent of female athletes and 77% of male athletes have reported using compensatory habits as a way to stay in their weight-dependent sports. Unfortunately, athletes are less likely to seek treatment due to stigma and sport-specific barriers. Wrestlers, dancers, swimmers, gymnasts and dancers are more likely to be diagnosed with an eating disorder, studies have shown. What do these sports have in common? They’re weight-dependent, individual in nature and/or have a strong aesthetic element.
Anorexia is like a mindblock. I was consumed by thoughts of my weight and how to lose weight; I wasn’t seeing the effects it had on my body. My family would point out my pale, sometimes yellow skin. My bones were more prominent, and my eyes were sunken. I looked like a walking corpse. Dizzy spells would accompany me daily, and I would isolate myself to hide my symptoms. But anorexia never let me rest. In fact, I was later diagnosed with insomnia, adding to the list the ripple effects from an eating disorder.
Yellow skin in anorexia can be caused by jaundice -- a health condition caused by elevated bilirubin, a yellow substance produced by red-blood cells. When the liver isn’t filtering out the yellow substance, an excessive amount enters the bloodstream and causes the yellow skin.
According to Within Health, approximately one-third of deaths associated with eating disorders are caused by heart damage, such as arrhythmias, pericarditis and sudden cardiac arrest. Studies also show hormonal changes, including amenorrhea (loss of menstrual period) and hypercortisolemia (the overproduction of the stress hormone cortisol). These hormonal changes can cause a loss of bone mass, leading to weaker bones that are prone to breaking and fracturing more easily.
In a study by JAMA Network, anorexia was associated with insomnia. “These findings suggest that anorexia nervosa is a morningness eating disorder, in contrast to most other evening-based psychiatric diseases,” the 2024 study found. Another study, by the National Library of Medicine, suggested that higher severity of insomnia symptoms risks anxiety, trauma, mood disorders and a higher risk of eating disorders. These symptoms can lead to relapses, hindering recovery after seeking medical help.
The long road back
After my diagnosis of anorexia and other disorders, I was given a medical team composed of a medical provider, a dietitian and a body-image therapist. With their help, I was given a meal plan to follow, strategies to help the anorexia mindset, and a community of people who want to help me recover. Recovery has been a process, and sometimes I relapse. But compared to when I isolated myself, I now have a group of people who help me through my old habits. When my mind turned on me, I didn’t see myself. I saw a version that could exist, but I would’ve been a corpse surrounded by flowers and a group of people I didn’t realize supported me.
Eating disorders are still being studied, and much remains unknown. UCLA researchers, for example, have discovered a brain circuit in mice that causes the rodents to search for food even when not hungry. If such a mechanism exists in humans – and it probably does – its activation or suppression could help explain anorexia and bulimia.
Regardless of where science and medicine converge, someone with an eating disorder needs a group of loved ones to recognize the symptoms and help you find help. Whether that help is group therapy or a medical team, any help is life-saving. Ignorance can lead to death, but awareness can save lives.
